Slice of Life

Being an Aunt

Now, this is a whole ‘nother post’s worth of issues, but first: I’m a lazy POS. I’m introverted, get overwhelmed by loud things, and am genuinely the laziest person I’ve ever met.

So having a 3 year old nephew is… intense. Little dude is super high energy, and it doesn’t help that I want to be indulgent and spoil him with whatever he requests. I’m the adult here, and I understand the consequences of my actions, but JesusGod I’m not always prepared for those consequences (for example, sweet tea with breakfast – sending his 2′ body into a convulsive fit, racing around the house, literally in circles).

Still, he’s a super cool guy, regardless of how uncultured he is. I fault his parenting, naturally. I’ve taken it up as my personal gauntlet to educate this uncouth mf on the legacy of all things righteous. That is: 90s pop culture, modern memes, and all the sneaky ways I can possess him in order to payback my brother for being so annoying while we were growing up (e.g., teaching him to “karate chop” his dad “in the throat” with “strong fingers.” He now jumps into this weird stance and yells “kee-yah!” while swinging his arms. We’re still working on it).


I’m having a hard time competing with modern educational shows, though. I played Disney’s “Hercules” today, and while I watched one of the greatest animated masterpieces of 1997, he jumped on the couch, singing to himself about his favorite show “Story Bots,” asking why it wasn’t on the tv currently. Of course, I continued to watch the beloved musical while he screamed because screw him, it’s flippin Hercules, okay? You’ll appreciate this sooner or later, Mason, I swear.

We trade off; I’m not a tyrant. After my choice, we wound up watching Story Bots to balance things out. Dude didn’t blinked for nearly 7  consecutive minutes. To be fair, Story Bots is the bee’s knees. I’m genuinely impressed by this show – the plots are flawless, the music is hilarious, and the animation quality is brilliant. Got me thinking I need to be working for these people…

This kid may be on to something, but I’m not backing down. I’ll stay age-appropriate, but it’s fairly unacceptable that this guy doesn’t know Arthur, The Magic School Bus, Doc McStuffins, Caillou, Sesame Street, or Cat in the Hat by now. Hard judgement on my brother, but it’s why I’ve agreed to become that aunt. Whereas I don’t have to think about the economic plight of his physical well-being, I can imbue him with all things negligible. This is my legacy.

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