It’s been a while since I’ve posted and even longer since I’ve written. What I’ve discovered is that if I don’t do anything, I don’t have the motivation to do anything. So for me, I have to get up and get at it in order to feel jazzed about life for the day. Sorry, let me word that better as I’m never really jazzed about life unless I’m traveling or have awesome plans. I have to get going the moment I wake up, otherwise sloth sets in, I mentally set my pace for the day, and I wind up wasting the whole day. My personal definition is just not doing anything worthwhile – and the worth can be small. Yesterday, I cleaned my toilet. Not the whole bathroom mind, just the toilet, but that was enough. I did some thing that day that needed doing, and it was enough.
This post was originally penned in April, but it’s May now. I’m reading over it and editing huge chunks, and it feels strange: partially irritated that I couldn’t completed it when it was first written, but I’m also still lacking the motivation to do this. However, if the above paragraph is true, perhaps I can convince myself that editing the several posts I have queued will push me to write down the several posts I have floating in my headspace.
You and I are actively testing a theory. Right now. Ready, set, go.
Quarantine has allowed me to invest time into things I’ve been putting off, and it feels really good. For example, “Bleach.” It’s an amazing Shonen Jump manga that I began reading in highschool (eons ago), but never got around to watching it. And here I am, 40 some odd episodes later, loving it! It’s a Shonen Jump, so I fast forward through the episode overviews, the intro, the outro, and anything deemed too cringey (i.e., Orihime monologues, I flippin hate her breathy, vapid, schoolgirl schtik the voice actor gives to the character). Also, yes, I only deal with dubs because I want to watch the anime, not read the damn thing while all that beautiful animation goes to waste!
“Breaking Bad” was eventually completed, a show I couldn’t connect with when it first aired. Even though literally everyone I knew loved it, I couldn’t get into the family drug drama. First thing to know about me: I’m a “goody-goody” and like to follow the rules (that’s not correct it’s a compulsory thing, I wish sometimes I could go rouge, but my brain stops me). Shows about drug pins, gangs, etc. just don’t entertain me as I genuinely don’t “get it.” But suddenly, in 2020, I found “Breaking Bad” phenomenal. And yes, I agree with the whole of the internet: it ends perfectly.
The unsteadying thing about the show is Aaron Paul (oh, looked his ass up) looks like the smaller version of a man I once loved. After feeling odd for two episodes, I finally figured it out. He looks like my ex, man! That realization put a spin on the show like no other. I could not fall into the trap of sympathizing for someone who looks like a man that broke my heart. It was a strange determinism to continue the show – both masochistic and completely out of my hands as the plot was too damn good to give up.
Amelia has been my saving grace during this time. She’s so funny, sitting in her window watching the world. When she sees me and my car come back, she perks up. I wave to her as I walk up the sidewalk to the front door of the apartment. It’s my favorite thing to see her excited that I exist. Throughout the day, she sunbathes in the bedroom and I’m doing whatever in the living room. She will periodically come out, peek around the furniture, squeak at me, “just checking in,” and maybe come over for some pets. Similarly, when I have to walk past the bedroom to go to the bathroom or deal with the washer/dryer, I poke my head into the bedroom, “hey, just checking in.” And that’s our whole thing. She’s kept me sane as the cabin fever continues to mount.
Side note: I completely failed the whole “do stuff and get motivated” experiment. After I completed the “Breaking Bad” paragraph, I cooked up breakfast, posted shifts for work, took a two hour nap, watched a movie, and then played Skyrim until the afternoon and it was time to go to bed. So much for theories.
The quarantine has brought out the absolute worst in me – all seven sins are gaining strength every day. This is pathetic.