Mental Health, Slice of Life, Work

If I Get Fired, That Would Suck.

So it’s been a while. Should we address it? Probably. But honest to god, I’m tired of complaining. Suffice it to say my job and my boss are wearing me down. In fact, I’ve been so low the past several weeks I’ve stopped everything – stopped reading, stopped writing, stopped studying, and just about stopped working.

At this point, it’s a wait and see to find out whether I’ll get fired.

I know I need to research options, update my resume, and figure out my next steps; but this mental game is fucking debilitating. I’ve stopped everything.

I think about how I got through college. I mean, those four years were tremendously overwhelming. But I did it. How? How did I overcome everything year after year and not give up? The two answers I can come up with is: my friends and classes themselves.

On some level, we were all suffering, and we recognized each other’s suffering. We normalized that suffering and we normalized talking through our feelings. Being hungry, shaky from the fifth coffee, chain smoking, sleepless, or being half-way into an existential crisis were facts of life and we talked through it all. At any given time, I had a friend on hand to support me and who would let me return the favor. Moving around, my work schedule, and COVID have taken those relationships from me. It’s a huge difference, and frankly after a whole goddamn year of quarantine, I am actively struggling. I genuinely need help and need to figure a way out of this constant undertow from mass isolation.

As much as I miss my friends, I miss the constant activity of classes. I mean, a Humanities track in college is one huge, collective bookclub. Each class you sign up for is simply the club’s focus: philosophy, literature, history, anthropology, sociology, psychology, education, the languages, whatever. You sign up for a class, but what you’re really signing up for is a an agree upon selection of reading ya’ll’ll talk about at an agreed upon time, in an agreed upon space. You swap ideas, expand your understanding of the selected reading, and boom – high dollar book club (but please, only bottled water allowed). I miss that: Engaging in new texts and talking about them. It wasn’t just about what others brought to the book club, although the texts themselves were great! But their comments displayed who they are as individuals, it showed how they think and connected information, it exposed biases and ignorance.

I’m trying to focus on the things (and people) that most positively impacted my lived experience during my hardest years, because I’m fairly certain I’ve reached a breaking point here in my late 20s. I need that early-20s strength, hopefulness, and perseverance injected into my being. All I seem to be able to focus on is how I’m nearly 30 and have nothing to show for it.

6 thoughts on “If I Get Fired, That Would Suck.”

  1. Aw man that sucks! The rona is really doubling down on people’s mental health this year.

    I don’t know if it helps but as someone in her 30s, who’s talked to lots of other 30 somethings –
    your 20s are the worst time of your life, which is something you only realise once you slide into your 30s.
    Really.

    What are you most worried about?

    When you say you have nothing to show, what do you mean?
    You have a degree and at least for now, a job. What is it that you think you’re missing (out on) or that you think you should have ?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ve heard that somewhere. Something along the lines of “people are hardest on themselves during their 20s.”

      It’s akin to being a preteen – too old to blame ignorance and youth while also too young to be taken seriously.

      The 20s are trying to figure out a budget and household economics while understanding and developing transferable skills and figuring out what your labor is worth. but you’re also not a teenager and you have a job, so you should know all this stuff by now? But at the same time floundering a little.

      Rock, meet hard place. Haha

      Maybe it’s because they’re significant transition points – puberty versus being out of the structured, school environment. Here, there’s no summer school to make up work, you’ll just… not have a job anymore.

      Most immediately what I think I should have to show is a Master’s degree. That’s what people in their 20s who enjoy education have, right? Also a decent sized savings account that shows responsibility. I don’t WANT children, so there’s no pressure for kids or marriage and the like. But I thought I’d own a car by this point?

      Luckily, I have some girlfriends who are in their 30s and they give me the inside scoop (and keep me less critical of my 20-something self).

      Honestly, I’m most worried about either living a life not worth telling a story about or the wrong life. I don’t want to be so dull that my loved experience was worthless. And I’m scared if I have or will veer off the life path I was “meant” to take.

      It’s so ridiculous because that’s predestination thinking and it’s just… so not me.

      Thank you for joining my TEDTalk “Anxiety is a Bitch.

      Like

      1. I’m going to push back a little here on some points, it’s just me thinking out loud – only sharing my personal opinion. Not trying to offend.

        – About living a life not worth telling… statistically speaking, we as well as our loved ones will live and die, remembered by absolutely no one. And that’s ok. 😆

        – The life path that we’re meant to take… honestly I don’t think there’s such a thing either. There’s too much randomness, too many variables.

        – About trying to figure out life.. I don’t think that’ll ever stop, nor should it ever stop, in my personal opinion.
        To give you an example, I thought one of my mates, who’s well into his 40s, had it all figured out. A house, loving wife and cute kids, highly paid, good at what he does, goes on exotic vacations, never stops learning, really good looking, takes care of himself and he’s a super lovely person to boot. Chatted with him the other day and as it turned out, he was struggling with workplace bullying and suicidal ideations. Now he’s back at square one, revisiting the meaning of his existence and work life. EVERYONE is going through the same thing, over and over in their lives.

        What has helped me a lot is figuring out what drives me. For me, I had an abusive childhood. Now that I’m a teacher/wife/friend, I try to be the person I WISH I’d had growing up and I try to be of service by helping those around me think for themselves.

        Is there something that drives you?

        Like

      2. Thank you for the push back. That’s what I’m here for!

        You make some points that I’ve honestly heard before. There’s no “figuring out” life, but as an anxious person, that drives me a little nuts. haha Instead of trying to “figure it out,” I should probably be looking into how to accept the chaos magic and learn to go with the flow.

        Surprised about your friend, though. I would assume a man like that has it all together as well! At the same time, I’m incredibly shocked at “workplace bullying”!? What sort of adults bully other adults? that’s ridiculous and SAD. All that to say, I hope this friend is moving to a better place and is okay.

        I’ve also been asked “what drives you” VERY recently, so this is kinda funny to me. The timing makes me think there really is something to this “drive” thing. I’m glad to hear you’ve found your daily motivator; it sounds like a lovely goal!

        Right now, I think I’m just spinning my wheels.

        However, I’m looking into Law School and taking the LSAT. I need a way to stay motivated, though. I’m poor at self-discipline, especially when I’m feeling low emotionally. I need to double-down on the studying. It will get me to where I think I can impact people the most and do the most good. That needs to be my drive.

        Liked by 1 person

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